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our perfect date

Just so you know what I expect on our first date, I will outline the course of events. Any deviation from this plan is completely unacceptable and will result in the extermination of so-called "date."

First, you will telegraph me the day before the date. I ONLY accept messages on the telegraph machine. DO NOT ATTEMPT TO TELEPHONE OR E_MAIL ME! If my telegraph machine is not turned on, wait approximately 57.9 seconds and then try again. I sometimes turn off my telegraph machine when I'm polishing my Wellies.

Before we go any farther, let me say that I now require a gift as a token of your Good Will. Many male humans have taken me on dates, only to discover that they were not really Co-Mater material. A gift will weed out which ones are serious. So bring me a present. It doesn't have to be anything fancy, like a new BMW, but be forewarned that "typical" (i.e. "no-brainer") gifts like chocolate and flowers are so cliché I generally go into seisures at the sight of them. An example of a good present is something useful, like a salt & pepper shaker set shaped like the state of Idaho. An example of a bad present is something frivolous, like a pink sweater.

Thus said, You will telegraph me again from your daily commute the morning of the date. It helps to have a cellular telegraph machine for these purposes. If you attempt to telegraph me while on public transportation, thus annoying your fellow commuters, I shall have to invoke the Wrath of Khan to exterminate you on the spot.

Our meeting place shall be well-lit, and have ample space for poppin' and lockin' if not breakin' as well. Not any cardboard box on a street corner will suffice; only quality linoleum. You will bring homemade burritos and a jug of grape juice. If you do not have a Mexican grandmother or mother who can supply homemade burritos, you can rent them for the evening cheaply. Check your Yellow Pages.


After breakin' and burrito munching (precisely 8:35 p.m.), we will go to the Wolcott Cinema in Wolcott, NY where you have pre-bribed the managers to give us a private screening of "Overdrawn at the Memory Bank." You will buy nachos with that yummy flourescent orange cheese and Junior Mints. in the event that Jr. Mints are sold out, Senior Mints are an UNACCEPTABLE substitute.

After the movie, we will go for a moonlit canoe ride down one of the designated bodies of water, based on flood rate and mean temperature. Once in the canoe, we will engage in a round of hearty "The Kookaburra Sits in the Old Gum Tree" round singing. If things get slightly rowdier from there, we may progress into rounds of "Hey Ho Nobody home" or even "Dona Nobis Pacem."

Afterwards, you will take me home in your hovercraft, moped, or NON-BUICK automobile. I will serve you oatmeal raisin cookies and milk (lactose intolerance will only be tolerated in extreme circumstances) and then you will leave, returning 25.8 minutes later to serenade me with a string quartet and you singing an operatic rendition of "Teenage Lobotomy." This you will perform outside of my bedroom window, regardless of weather conditions. If a string quartet is unavailable, a Mariachi band is an adequate substitute.

After "Teenage Lobotomy" you will perform a medley of songs including (but not limited to) "Holiday in Cambodia," "Black Hole Sun" and "Roland the Headless Thompson Gunner." After 34.9 minutes of playing, I will invite you back inside where you will read to me selections from "A Cricket in Times Square" in a fake foreign accent.

Hear Me! Standing me up is NOT AN OPTION! I have taken a great deal of time to polish my Wellies for you. don't make me polish them for nothing. I take dates seriously. I want my Wellies to gleam and sparkle for my potential reproductive partner. If you are seiously considering being in the running for a Co-Mater, you will not make me polish my Wellies for nothing!