First, you will telegraph me the day before the date. I ONLY accept messages on the telegraph machine. DO NOT ATTEMPT TO TELEPHONE OR E_MAIL ME! If my telegraph machine is not turned on, wait approximately 57.9 seconds and then try again. I sometimes turn off my telegraph machine when I'm polishing my Wellies. Before we go any farther, let me say that I now require a gift as a token of your Good Will. Many male humans have taken me on dates, only to discover that they were not really Co-Mater material. A gift will weed out which ones are serious. So bring me a present. It doesn't have to be anything fancy, like a new BMW, but be forewarned that "typical" (i.e. "no-brainer") gifts like chocolate and flowers are so cliché I generally go into seisures at the sight of them. An example of a good present is something useful, like a salt & pepper shaker set shaped like the state of Idaho. An example of a bad present is something frivolous, like a pink sweater. Thus said, You will telegraph me again from your daily commute the morning of the date. It helps to have a cellular telegraph machine for these purposes. If you attempt to telegraph me while on public transportation, thus annoying your fellow commuters, I shall have to invoke the Wrath of Khan to exterminate you on the spot. Our meeting place shall be well-lit, and have ample space for poppin' and lockin' if not breakin' as well. Not any cardboard box on a street corner will suffice; only quality linoleum. You will bring homemade burritos and a jug of grape juice. If you do not have a Mexican grandmother or mother who can supply homemade burritos, you can rent them for the evening cheaply. Check your Yellow Pages. | |
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Afterwards, you will take me home in your hovercraft, moped, or NON-BUICK automobile. I will serve you oatmeal raisin cookies and milk (lactose intolerance will only be tolerated in extreme circumstances) and then you will leave, returning 25.8 minutes later to serenade me with a string quartet and you singing an operatic rendition of "Teenage Lobotomy." This you will perform outside of my bedroom window, regardless of weather conditions. If a string quartet is unavailable, a Mariachi band is an adequate substitute. After "Teenage Lobotomy" you will perform a medley of songs including (but not limited to) "Holiday in Cambodia," "Black Hole Sun" and "Roland the Headless Thompson Gunner." After 34.9 minutes of playing, I will invite you back inside where you will read to me selections from "A Cricket in Times Square" in a fake foreign accent. Hear Me! Standing me up is NOT AN OPTION! I have taken a great deal of time to polish my Wellies for you. don't make me polish them for nothing. I take dates seriously. I want my Wellies to gleam and sparkle for my potential reproductive partner. If you are seiously considering being in the running for a Co-Mater, you will not make me polish my Wellies for nothing! |
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