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I love to get telegraph messages! (signal word is "wombat")

Telegraph me! I use standard Morse Code, so make sure you learn it before you try me. I will not accept e-mails or telephone calls. However, if you do not have access to a telegraph machine, I will possibly consider if you call me on the phone and speak morse code into the receiver. For example, a typical conversation may consist of:

ME: beepbeepbeepbeep beep beeeeeeep beeeeeeep beepbeep?

YOU: beepbeepbeepbeep beepbeep.


1. you are alive in the dictionary sense of the word. this means that you do not currently rely on any life support devices (such as an iron lung) in order to sustain viability.

2. You do not own a dog, live with one, or are otherwise the primary or secondary guardian of any member of the canine species (although in some cases, chihuahuas are permitted. Pomeranians are right out in EVERY SINGLE CASE)

3. You are not gay (although you may be man enough to occasionally wear feminine attire, minus high heels), married, or a computer programmer.

4. You do not listen to Dave Matthews, or any member of his said band.

5. You have never been voluntarily or involuntarily institutionalized by any agency. Alien abductions that were beyond your control are permitted.

Just because you are telegraphing, it doesn't mean that you are allowed to mince words. Here is the message I expect to get from you.

My Dearest Darling Scooter,
I know you are busy, but I just had to tell you all the mushy things in my heart. You are truly a goddess, and I will make you burritos with shrimp any time you like. Let's canoe down the Charles at sundown, with only the mosquitoes to keep us company. I will sing you "The Humpty Dance" in my best Axl Rose voice, and recite selections from "One Fish Two Fish Red Fish Blue Fish" at you in Esperanto. I promise to telegraph you 6 times a day at your requested times, plus one more for good luck. I will never ever look at another female of any species ever again, in fact, I will wear special goggles that only allow me to see you. In time, I realize that i will not need special goggles, as I will naturally be trained to see you, and only you, Scooter, my one, my only, my true little poopsykins.

Yours etc.,
Your Name Here.

When (and if) I contact you:

I will ask you the following questions:

1. What is the 3rd word of the 2nd paragraph on my home page?
2. What is the capital of BOLIVIA?
3. What is the more recognized name of GORDON MATTHEW SUMNER?
4. What are all the signal words on this website, in order from when they first appeared in print in the English language (you may need to consult Merriam Webster)?