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Hall of Losers

Here is a by no means complete list of those who have tried to score Scooter's Hand and failed miserably. Let their folly be an example to you. note: names have been changed to protect the embarrassed. (signal word="extraneous")






NAME: Robert Morrissey McKaye
NICKNAME: Punktard
TRAGIC FLAW: everyone thinks he's gay
HOBBIES: talking about how punk he used to be, evangelizing about Macintoshes, illiteracy, deceit
GOOD POINTS: scored the new White Stripes album way before it was released
  NAME: Herschel Dorkowitz
GRIEVOUS FAULT: loved Bruce Springsteen unnaturally
TRAGIC FLAW: From New Jersey
HOBBIES: criticizing everything on earth, self-aggrandizing behavior, bragging about his fancy car
GOOD POINTS: was an OK Scrabble player
NAME: Comrade Dorko Retardovich
NICKNAME: Booooohrees
GRIEVOUS FAULT: read Are You There God, It's Me, Margaret as an adult to understand women.
TRAGIC FLAW: Steve Miller fan
HOBBIES: thinking he's a "misunderstood badass", 
GOOD POINTS: his goofy Russian accent. Especially good when put to Karaoke use.


NAME: Leroy Pimpmeister
GRIEVOUS FAULTS: can't carry on a conversation without invoking porn references
TRAGIC FLAW: low self esteem
HOBBIES: going on about technical details, pretending to be a pimp
GOOD POINTS: does a mean impression of Tom Jones singing "Do Me" as well as one of Hank Hill.



NAME: Huckleberry Muffin-Sloane
GRIEVOUS FAULT: his existence
TRAGIC FLAW: never shut up
GOOD POINT: someday he will be dead and the world will be rid of him
HOBBIES: talking, talking, lecturing, bragging, talking



see what will happen if you play too much network Doom?

NAME: Cyril Proteus Higgenbotham
NICKNAME: Mr. Squeals
GRIEVOUS FAULT: lack of personal hygiene
TRAGIC FLAW: computer programmer
HOBBIES: being depressed, playing Doom
GOOD POINTS: played mandolin, could sound exactly like Yoda


NAME: Floyd Harley Tex
GRIEVOUS FAULT: insanity (depression, chemical dependence, anxiety)
TRAGIC FLAW: extreme lactose intolerance
GOOD POINTS: fixed my car once
HOBBIES: being high-maintenance, breaking things, art



NAME: Xaxxorg Lymphlopp Gargaxx
GRIEVOUS FAULT: severe, chronic, crippling geekiness
TRAGIC FLAW: loved Phil Collins
HOBBIES: wanking, spanking the monkey, whackin' off
GOOD POINTS: cute brother




NAME: Halfdan of Ghent
GRIEVOUS FAULT: delusions of grandeur
TRAGIC FLAW: lived with mommy in his 30s
HOBBIES: telling tall-tales, dissing the USA
GOOD POINTS: is probably gay


oy vey!

NAME: Hiram Quaggle
GRIEVOUS FAULT: tragically argumentative know-it-all
TRAGIC FLAW: totally unable to clap hands in time to music
HOBBIES: compulsive RPG playing, lusting after my sister
GOOD POINTS: maybe he'll evolve out of immaturity

You may ask yourself, "what is her problem? Why is she dwelling on these losers?" Well... I am an honest up-front person. I thought I should give you the opportunity to compare yourself with some of my past flames. Undoubtedly, you will feel smug and superior to the dorks you see before you. Good. But don't let them in any reflect on me.