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Here's what you should know about me before you try to sully my untainted inbox with your filthy heathen e-mail...

PHYSICAL DESCRIPTION: I'm short, moderately round and well endowed in the posterior regions. I'm a youthful, vibrant 28.5, with limp black hair and brown eyes that are the exact color of the dregs at the bottom of the coffee pot. I have short stubby toes and some have accused me of having "Flintstone Feet." However, a Real Man would find these qualities Charming and Endearing and love my stubby toes to death, in fact, he'd be willing to sacrifice his own toes to replace mine should they ever be pulled off in a freak accident.

Gondolas in Venice; Actual size=240 pixels wide

PERSONALITY: I am a very loving, caring, sincere individual. You will discover this when you fall to your knees worshipping me. When you place flowers and other offerings upon my altar, I will in turn grace you with my favor and perhaps even compose a polka in your honor. I enjoy long walks along the beach in the moonlight eventually ending with lots of beer or anything else that will get me laid. The music of Heino and the Ramones gets me In The Mood, oh yeah, baby!

If I could choose who would portray me in a made-for-Lifetime movie of my life story, I'd have to say it would be either CAROL CHANNING or CHARO. By the way, i plan to name my first child Channing, regardless of sex, so if your last name does not go with Channing (middle name Morrissey), don't bother writing back. Say it to yourself CHANNING MORRISSEY (your last name here). Channing Gershowitz? Fine. Channing Takamoto? Lovely. Channing Manning? Probably not.

My favorite fruit is a pomegranate, and I enjoy playing the crumhorn. I am generally easy to get along with, provided you do everything I command, and I make really good quiche. Though I'm logical, rational, intelligent, beautiful, wise, and otherwise perfect in almost every conceivable way, I am very bad at long division. But don't let this deter you from applying to be my Co-mater, I make up for my lack of skill with my impressive Pocket Calculator, of which I am the Operator.