MEN AND FLATULENCE:
First off, let me start by saying I HATE flatulence. If anyone is to pass gas in my presence, let it by NYSEG and only NYSEG. If you were to truly Love me, you would realize that blowing the fuse in the same room as me can have very dire consequences. You will cease immediately. i will be your only source of gas. If I wanted you to cut the cheese, I would serve you beans. Notice how I am not serving you the Magical Fruit. Shlomo was a candidate for Co-Mater in 2000, but he felt the need to blow off steam a little too much. After much shouting and screaming, I was able to persuade him to wear a Corking Device in order to curb the flow if his offending foul stench. Because he loved me, he was willing to use the Corking Device, which he grew to love. Unfortunately, he began to love it more than me, and eventually it led him to don a tie-dyed kaftan and follow Phish around the country. Sorry, Shlomo. It never would have worked out.
For me, a key to lasting compatibility is your ability to follow my direct orders to the letter. Sure, as a slave, you are allowed certain freedoms. For example, When you cook me burritos for dinner, do you use shrimp or beef? Do you shred the beef yourself or buy it pre-shredded? Other than that, be aware that I control your every thought. But then, since you worship me, you like to have your thoughts controlled. When you think the way I do, we are One, but we're not the same. Just like the U2 song. In our complex society we need to get our priorities straight. There is mass starvation and rioting and natural disasters. These things occur because of one tihng: nobody does things MY WAY. If we all did things MY WAY, we'd all get along in perfect harmony, side by side on my piano keyboard oh lord.
A SPECIAL KIND OF WIMP: I'm not looking for a spineless jellyfish for whom I have to make dentist appointments. I'm looking for a co-mater who is man enough to worship me, yet not need me to take care of him. I don't want to have to cook, clean up after, do laundry for, or be forced into stereotypical housefrau roles. I expect my co-mater to be enlightened enough to darn his own socks. However, this does not excuse him from having his thoughts controlled by me. He will see that when I think for both of us, it's actually mututally beneficial.
WHY I SHOULD BE WORSHIPPED:
I am a petite flower goddess. I deserve the Best. Once you get to know me, you will love everything about me. You will worship the ground my Wellies tread upon because you will find my Wellies irresistably charming. In fact, Everything I do is irrisitably charming, damn it! Even though the mere sight of them throws you into fits of ecstasy, My Wellies are the least charming part of my wardrobe! (signal word= "exsanguinate")
ECCENTRICITIES: We all have our eccentricities. I, like many of you, have zillions. I do not discriminate against males possessing certain personality quirks. However, one thing is required: YOU MUST LOVE MY WELLIES! You think I look sexy in Wellies! You cannot resist me!
Unlike most pathetic losers who are on an eternal quest for love and affection blah blah blah, I am mostly on a quest for good booty. Yes, we will have sex. That is the point. Sex and Thought Control. We will most likely have it at the times I post at the beginning of each bi-weekly period, starting with every second Thursday of the month. I will post the times and locations the sexual act is to occur, and you will willingly oblige me. Failure to comply will result in extermination of your mortal soul. Please note: I am not into role-playing games. This includes, but is not limited to: Dungeons and Dragons (Advanced and otherwise), Car Wars, and anything relating to vampires.
A SOULMATE: According to eCrush.com, my soulmate is Backstreet Boy Kevin Richardson. We all know that the Internet is Always Right, so I guess I'm looking for Kevin Richardson-like qualities in a man. Please don't ask me what these are, because I'm not even sure which BSB Kevin Richardson is. However, if you possess Kevin-like qualities, it may be worth telegraphing me.