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Here is what I expect from you. If you do not fit these characteristics, do not bother telegraphing me.

My True Unequivical, Unconditional Love knows no limits. I don't care who you are (that's assuming you are well connected in the professional bowling industry), what kind of car you drive (as long as it's not a Buick) and what you do (unless you vote Republican), as long as you possess the following characteristics:

1. You worship me
2. You obey my every command
3. You like to listen to Heino
4. You don't listen to Brian Eno more than 3x per year
5. You are a gourmet chef
6. You let me dictate your every thought
7. You call those things on top of ice cream "SPRINKLES" and NOT "jimmies."
8. You are between the ages of 27.5 and 31.9
9. Because of the lack of viable responses, I will consider those between the ages of 27.43 and 31.99 in extreme circumstances.
10. You are not from New Jersey
11. You have an interesting name, like Bucephalus
12. You defer all authority to me
13. You know all the words to "It's Tricky" by Run-DMC

Inner qualities like honesty, humbleness and humility are important to me. However, I am not attracted to who you necessarily think you are. I will be attracted to Who You Will Be once I manipulate and bend you to my will. Many men think they know themselves, until I sink my claws into their soft, unsuspecting flesh. It will be for the best, though. you will be a better person once I have re-made you into my own craven image (only male, and hopefully taller), and you will fall to your knees thanking me for it.

Basically, you look exactly like this.

basically, you look like this.

OUTER QUALITIES: I am not terribly picky when it comes to physical appearance. Besides, if I don't like your appearance, I can always get my plastic surgeon friends to alter your appearance while you sleep. in terms of fashion, I prefer men to wear many different varying patterns of plaid ("Hunting Bean of Freeport" tartan is NOT acceptable, likewise Macdonald of Clanronald). Floral patterns are generally accepted, provided they do not contain a high content of beige. wearing safety orange is a plus. Navy blue is not.

CHIVALRY IN THE POSTMODERN AGE: I am a goddess, and I expect you to comply with my wishes. We have already established that. LIke the chivalry of olde, I would expect a man to devote every thought and poem to my beauty and needs. Unlike days of olde, however, I would not expect a man to amputate his own finger and send it to me as a love token. A complete finger is not required. I will understand if he were to just send me a piece up to the first knuckle.